Post by tuumble on Oct 20, 2008 12:44:17 GMT
A couple of years ago I was told I had borderline depression by my GP and was prescribed a drug to overcome it. Bizarrely I was quite happy at this news because it gave me an answer to my personal confusion and something to take that would hopefully cure it. In hindsight however, was I just using this as an excuse? Was I just saying: "Great! I can blame the way I feel on this medical condition and it means I don't have to feel guilty about not taking action."
I'm not sure if the pills did any good but I only took the one course and haven't since so maybe it helped in the short term. The trouble has been that recently I have felt that I was back in the same territory only worse.
There are other things going on around me that I was finding difficult to come to terms as well as the sense of responsibility that I have to deal with issues affecting the other four members of the family.
Coping with life on a personal level is sometimes hard enough without having to do it for five people.
This coming week is a make or break time in many ways and it is what I have to deal with that has been causing the anxiety I guess. I won't go into all the details but it involves the usual suspects of money, our home and my annual appraisal at work.
The thing is I now know exactly what I have to do and just have to put the wheels of my plan in motion.
Today I have launched what is a 28-day plan symbolically by, for the first time in exactly 10 years, shaving off my beard. I am also embarking on an essentially raw diet, cutting of diary items and caffeine with a more structured sleep routine too.
You can call the beard thing my Britney moment if you like but to me it's just a way to wipe the slate clean and give me a feeling of a fresh start. I've been pondering the raw diet for a while and I have the support of my wife in this which is of great comfort.
There is an industry event on Thursday right in the middle of the first week so to keep on track will be a challenge but I insisted on attending to prove to myself I can do it.
I'm not looking to further my career by being there but I will of course be professional - this is something where I push myself to a higher level. I will be drinking water and avoiding the food unless it falls into the dietary plan.
I'm really excited by this coming week now - I feel inspired rather than worried. Hey, it will be a breeze!
I shall also be devising a healthy but not punishing exercise plan too. All I will do is step up from where I am now so whatever extra I achieve will be beneficial and will fit in with a set schedule.
Bring it on!
Looking back at the depression thing there's no doubt that I was cast adrift once the diagnosis/prescription was made. I've not had a single follow-up call and it hasn't been referred to when visiting my GP with other conditions.
To be fair it was described as borderline at the time and I was never "a wreck" incapable seeing the bigger picture. However, I do have a vivid memory of crying while standing at one of the sinks in the toilets at work. When a senior manager came in and asked if I was alright and I told him in manner, completely out of character, that I was very much NOT alright. Was that followed up? No.
I was ultimately given the afternoon off but the subject was never broached again.
There are different levels of depression, there is no doubt, and while I did have a feeling of helplessness at the time (and recently) I could still grasp onto rational thought. My problem was the feeling that I couldn't justify any of my actions. If I wanted to feel angry about something, even if it initially seemed justified, I could turn the table and see the situation from another viewpoint which invalidated my initial reaction.
This seemed to be reflected in virtually every area of life but I think the difference now is that I'm looking more at life from a third standpoint. I'm where I am because of my actions, nothing will change unless I take action and how I react to what goes on is my own choice.
It's not rocket science and we've heard it all before but it's a fact. I must see the bigger picture and accept certain truths and make progress in anyway I can. The past has gone and I can only change the future. I must not compare and only focus on me because that is who I am. I can influence others but I cannot make them do anything. First of all though, I have start with myself.
I am so much more than I have demonstrated to date. I have so much to give. The change starts now - the future has already begun.
I'm not sure if the pills did any good but I only took the one course and haven't since so maybe it helped in the short term. The trouble has been that recently I have felt that I was back in the same territory only worse.
There are other things going on around me that I was finding difficult to come to terms as well as the sense of responsibility that I have to deal with issues affecting the other four members of the family.
Coping with life on a personal level is sometimes hard enough without having to do it for five people.
This coming week is a make or break time in many ways and it is what I have to deal with that has been causing the anxiety I guess. I won't go into all the details but it involves the usual suspects of money, our home and my annual appraisal at work.
The thing is I now know exactly what I have to do and just have to put the wheels of my plan in motion.
Today I have launched what is a 28-day plan symbolically by, for the first time in exactly 10 years, shaving off my beard. I am also embarking on an essentially raw diet, cutting of diary items and caffeine with a more structured sleep routine too.
You can call the beard thing my Britney moment if you like but to me it's just a way to wipe the slate clean and give me a feeling of a fresh start. I've been pondering the raw diet for a while and I have the support of my wife in this which is of great comfort.
There is an industry event on Thursday right in the middle of the first week so to keep on track will be a challenge but I insisted on attending to prove to myself I can do it.
I'm not looking to further my career by being there but I will of course be professional - this is something where I push myself to a higher level. I will be drinking water and avoiding the food unless it falls into the dietary plan.
I'm really excited by this coming week now - I feel inspired rather than worried. Hey, it will be a breeze!
I shall also be devising a healthy but not punishing exercise plan too. All I will do is step up from where I am now so whatever extra I achieve will be beneficial and will fit in with a set schedule.
Bring it on!
Looking back at the depression thing there's no doubt that I was cast adrift once the diagnosis/prescription was made. I've not had a single follow-up call and it hasn't been referred to when visiting my GP with other conditions.
To be fair it was described as borderline at the time and I was never "a wreck" incapable seeing the bigger picture. However, I do have a vivid memory of crying while standing at one of the sinks in the toilets at work. When a senior manager came in and asked if I was alright and I told him in manner, completely out of character, that I was very much NOT alright. Was that followed up? No.
I was ultimately given the afternoon off but the subject was never broached again.
There are different levels of depression, there is no doubt, and while I did have a feeling of helplessness at the time (and recently) I could still grasp onto rational thought. My problem was the feeling that I couldn't justify any of my actions. If I wanted to feel angry about something, even if it initially seemed justified, I could turn the table and see the situation from another viewpoint which invalidated my initial reaction.
This seemed to be reflected in virtually every area of life but I think the difference now is that I'm looking more at life from a third standpoint. I'm where I am because of my actions, nothing will change unless I take action and how I react to what goes on is my own choice.
It's not rocket science and we've heard it all before but it's a fact. I must see the bigger picture and accept certain truths and make progress in anyway I can. The past has gone and I can only change the future. I must not compare and only focus on me because that is who I am. I can influence others but I cannot make them do anything. First of all though, I have start with myself.
I am so much more than I have demonstrated to date. I have so much to give. The change starts now - the future has already begun.